Shadow Work: The Softness in My Storm

 

“This isn’t about being healed. It’s about being honest.” —Elowen

There are parts of me I was taught—or guided by life itself—to silence before I even knew their names.
I was told that I carry my emotions in my face and that people would take advantage of that, of my soft heart.
And they were right.

I learned it the hard way.
I let people in who carved holes where I thought love would bloom.
My heart has ached from that—deeply.

I started believing that feeling too much was weakness.
Crying? Sharing how I felt?
That became dangerous in the wrong company.
When my feelings met the wrong ears, they came back to me sharpened into insults.

So I built walls. Tall, fast, and cold.
They grew so quickly I felt dizzy trying to keep up.
My heart didn’t stop feeling—it just went quiet.
Not numb. Just silent.
Like it decided if no one would listen, it would whisper to the wind.

Recently, I was talking to a good friend—someone with so much honesty and presence it makes my heart remember.
He’s been guiding me, gently, toward the parts of myself I buried.
During one of our sessions, he looked me in the eyes and said: “You are a sensitive soul.”

And something in me cracked.

I cried. For the first time since we started those talks, I let the flood come.
I didn’t mean to—I just couldn’t hold it anymore.
And he sat with me. Whispered, “I’m so glad you finally let me in.”
Then he laughed softly and said: “Finally... I made you cry. I cracked those walls.”

I used to think healing meant light.
But I found truth in the dark.

Sitting in discomfort, in shame, in resentment—it’s not graceful.
It’s muddy. It’s thick. Sometimes it lacks air.
Grief has a smell, and it’s not sweet.
It’s sweat and damp leaves, like when rain threatens in the woods.

And maybe I’ve learned to love that smell—not because it’s pretty, but because it smells like morning.
Like the air right before a new day.

The truth is, those cold, heavy, breathless places?
They’re not death. They’re birth.
They’re what it feels like to become someone new.
You need to breathe differently. Stronger. Deeper.
You’re not suffocating—you’re transforming.

But that understanding didn’t come quick.
It came after years of fighting with myself.

Looking at myself without flinching is the most violent thing I’ve ever done gently.

Before I chose divorce, I was at my lowest.
And I knew that wasn’t me.
I saw a stranger living in my skin.
It felt like I’d become a puppet for everything I swore I’d never allow.
And that was my wakeup call.

So I used my stubbornness, my walls, my strength—and turned them into a storm.
Not against anyone else. Against every lie I had swallowed.
I fought my way back. Not delicately. Brutally.

And it worked.

I found old versions of me buried in the mud, still waiting to be held.
The barefoot island girl with the wild smile.
The teenage version—hurting but still hoping someone would hold her hand.
The young mother—brave, scared, doing her best.
The divorced woman—fighting battles with herself, with the world, with silence.

I found them all. And I said:
We rise from the mud together. We rebuild. We reclaim. Not as fragments. As one storm.

I used to run. Now I sit beside the ache and ask it what it needs.

Staying looks like learning. Knowing. Understanding.
Yes, there’s still fear. But now, I meet it with curiosity, not resistance.
I don’t hide my softness anymore.
I haven’t found the words to speak it out loud yet—but I let it guide my actions.

She’s still there—that teenager—but she’s no longer impulsive.
She’s tender. Watchful. Patient.
When she steps forward, she leads with kindness cradled in her hands.

Shadow work is love work.
It’s not punishment. It’s reclamation.

@notesformysoulmate

This piece is protected—not to hide the shadow, but to honor the one who dared to sit with it.
Elowen stands here—mud-streaked, soft-hearted, and sovereign.
© 2025 Notesformysoulmate. All rights reserved.